Revelations
by atearsarahjane
Summary: A routine talk between Sister Julienne and Shelagh unearths some old secrets and hurts.


**For Hot Pocket, The Babe With The Accent, Griselda's Mum, Apple Woman and Ashley (really need to find you a nickname)**

**This started out as the second half of Collision but as you will soon see it spiraled off into a different tone and was far from the original prompt so I cut it in two and made it it's own fic. You know...in case you're interested in the backstory.**

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'Hello gorgeous girl.' Sister Julienne grinned down at the girl who'd just been placed in her arms. 'I am convinced she gets more beautiful every time I see her.'

'I would have to agree with you there.' Shelagh gazed proudly down at her daughter as she settled in nest to the nun on her sofa. 'Just when I think she cannot possibly get more beautiful she goes and does it. And I fall even more in love with her.' Shelagh stroked her daughter's cheek gently before the girl took her finger in her grasp. 'Oh no you've trapped me Angel. What ever shall I do? Shall I gnaw my way out?' She beamed as she pretended to gobble up the tiny fist. She looked up to see Sister Julienne staring at her. 'Are you alright Sister?'

'You're a wonderful mother. I'm just remembering how much heartbreak you've been through recently, and how glad I am that He sent this blessing to you.' She smiled proudly at them both.

'I thank Him every day for her. For all of them. I love her so much Sister. I never thought I could have this. It's so totally opposite of what I thoughtful my life would be.'

'Whilst I miss seeing you every day I am glad this is your life.'

'So am I. I have a wonderful husband, a terrific son and a gorgeous little daughter. I'm so happy Sister.' Shelagh let a laugh of pure joy burst forth from deep within her.

'I am pleased.' They sat in silence for a few moments just watching Angela wave her fists at them.

'Have you heard from Jenny recently? It's been a few months since she left but I haven't heard anything. Not even from Trixie.'

'Just the once a few weeks ago. She seems to be settling in well at the hospice though she says she misses Poplar and Nonnatus dreadfully. She's promised to visit soon.'

'Oh I am glad. I do so want Angela to know her growing up. Did she say anything about young Mr Worth?' Shelagh grinned.

'No but that's more of the Nurse Franklin letters territory.'

'Probably.' They chuckled. 'Have you found any new midwives yet? You're running low again.'

'As a matter of fact I have as of earlier today. We're to be joined by Nurses Barbara Gilbert and Phyllis Crane within the month.'

'Excellent. Nonnatus has had quite the staff change over the past few years hasn't it?' Shelagh mused, well aware that she had played perhaps the greatest change.

'Indeed.'

'Who ever would have guessed that in the past few years you'd have lost Jenny to a hospice, Jane to nursing college, partially lose Chummy to parenthood and marriage and me to a family.'

'I will admit the latter came as the biggest surprise.' Sister Julienne chuckled.

'I can imagine. Have you heard anything from Jane recently either?'

'She's having wonderful time training. I've promised her a job with us if she wishes. I do so hope she'll return to us.'

'Good. She'd be a great asset to you.'

'Do you miss it? Being a midwife?' Sister asked intrigued.

'All the time. It was my life for so long that I'd worry if I didn't. But it was too awkward at first after I left the sanatorium, then Tim was ill, then I was settling into domestic life and looking after Tim, then it was too painful to consider and now I have this angel. I wouldn't give her or any of this up for anything. Perhaps when she goes off to school I'll consider coming back part time. But that's a long way off and I don't want to imagine my baby being old enough to be away from me for hours at a time.'

'We would have happily welcomed you back with open arms after you left the sanatorium.'

'That's a nice sentiment but it's not true. You all needed the time to get used to it all. I really rocked the boat and you didn't need me there rubbing it in.' She sighed heavily.

'Sister Evangelina would have gotten used to it.'

'Forgive me Sister but it wasn't just Sister Evangelina. You could barely look at me as I signed the papers and you were overly formal, overly polite, like you didn't know who you were talking to. I hurt you sister, don't try to deny it I know you too well.'

'I'm sorry Shelagh. Is that why you withdrew from us? To give us time to get used to it?'

'Partially. I can say it now that it's a year later but it hurt. The way you were so polite, so distant from me, it hurt. And again at Freddie's christening I just felt so awkward, and so strange. I wasn't a Nonnatun anymore but I wasn't yet Patrick's wife. I felt like a fraud and everyone kept staring at me, not always kindly. It was difficult. I was already having enough trouble getting used to the fact that I was no longer a nun, that I was engaged, that I was about to become a stepmother without worrying about whether my friends were, seemingly, disgusted and disappointed in me, if they just hated me, or thought I was some sort of freak. Obviously in hindsight that was preposterous but at the time...well on top of all the gossips and comments it was a difficult time for me. So I removed myself from the situation as much as I could.' Shelagh admitted softly, gently brushing away the errant tear that escaped with the sleeve of her cardigan.

'Oh my dear girl. Why did you never say anything? You should have come to me and told me. I will always have an ear and time for you. I will admit that I struggled to accept your departure at first but I got over it very quickly. I could have had a word with the nurses about the staring and the not making you comfortable at the christening. And I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry; when you needed my support I hurt you.' She slipped her spare hand into Shelagh's and squeezed it reassuringly.

'Yes well my life may have been quite different if it hadn't happened. Tim and I may never have gotten so close if I'd had other people to lean on. He looked after me, visited me in my lodgings, I went to him when Patrick was at work. That wouldn't have happened had it gone better when I left the Order.'

'Because the nurses would have been spending so much time with you and trying to make you go out?' Sister Julienne began to chuckle but broke off abruptly as she saw Shelagh's face drop.

'Not exactly.' Shelagh muttered.

'What did you mean then?'

'It's nothing.' Shelagh shook her head as if to shake herself out of her thoughts.

'Shelagh?'

'It's just...'

'Yes?' Shelagh dropped her gaze to her lap to answer.

'The thing is, when I entered your office to sign the forms to leave the Order, I had every intention of asking you if you would permit me to continue on living in Nonnatus House, at least until I could get my life a bit more organised. I still intended on coming back to work as a midwife at that point. After I had finished my convalescence that is. But then you were so cold and I remembered what you'd said to me in the sanatorium-that Nonnatus would be my home until I was sure of my path. And I was sure. But it wasn't the path you wanted for me. So I didn't say anything. I left. I ran away from everyone. But like I said...I wouldn't change a second of the past year or so because it might not lead to the life I have now. My little girl, my wonderful son, my husband who I love so much-they're worth all the pain in the world. Oh...no...Sister I didn't mean to make you cry I'm sorry.' She gasped as she looked up to see tears poured down the nuns face. Sister Julienne sat staring at her, a heartbroken look in her eyes as she barely suppressed sobs. Silently Shelagh learn forwards and took her daughter into her arms before walking across the room and laying her in her Moses basket with a kiss to the forehead. Taking a deep breath to steel herself for the conversation she was already regretting starting she walked back to the sofa and took Sister Julienne's hand in hers.

'Oh Shelagh.'

'It's alright Sister. Really it is.'

'No it's not. You wanted to come home and I made you feel like you couldn't. I turned you away. Made you feel unwelcome, a stranger in your own home.' Sister Julienne's voice shuddered.

'And I thank you for it. Truly I do. I had to stand on my own two feet and discover who Shelagh was without the constant influences surrounding Sister Bernadette. I learnt a lot about myself that I may not have. Really it was for the best. Please believe me.'

'Perhaps in hindsight it was but that must have hurt you so deeply. I caused you such pain. Oh Shelagh I'm so sorry.'

'It's okay.' Shelagh hugged her. 'I forgive you.' She kissed the nuns cheek. 'You've made it up to me a hundred times since. You were there for me; you let me in, when I needed you more than ever. When my world fell out from under me and I thought we might lose Tim I came to you. When I discovered I would never carry a child and my future seemed so unclear you were the one person I knew I needed to tell. Because I love you. Because I trusted you still. Do you think we'd have made you Angela's godmother if I had anything but total love and respect and trust in you. You are still the first person after Patrick that I want to go to with my problems. And I want Angela to have that too. I trust you with the most precious thing in the world-my daughter, her love, her trust in you.'

'Thank you.' They sat embracing on the sofa for several minutes, both reflecting on the revelations or the past few minutes. 'Sounds like someone might be hungry.' Sister Julienne smiled as Angela began to whimper. They walked back over to the basket.

'Let's see now.' Shelagh stuck the tip of her finger in the infant's mouth. 'Oh yes. You're definitely hungry aren't you darling. Would you like to feed her?'

'Please.'

'Here. Have a cuddle whilst I warm it up.' Shelagh passed the girl to her godmother and turned to leave before Sister Julienne shot out a hand to turn her back around.

'I really am sorry. I love you Shelagh Turner. And I'm proud of you.'

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**Hey look I managed to write a Shulienne fic without once using the word Mum or making Sister Julienne Angela's Granny!**

**For as long as I can remember since watching Shelagh leaving the Order scene I haven't been able to stop thinking about what if she had wanted to stay. Sister Julienne was clearly struggling but she could have been a bit friendlier, even with the hug because she ended that quite quickly. **

**Reviews are always greatly appreciated no matter whether they are constructive criticism or praise. xxx**


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